Mumbled Irritations, I

Ooooh the irritation and agony of being in the know!

Just returned to my old blog to have a look… and what the hell…? I find out that all my posts have been deleted ‘over time’… all that’s left are journal entries from June 2005, and I’d bet that by next month those too will be gone >.<

All the lost memories…!!!! Why did I even bother starting a blog up? >.<

Petal-ly Ramblings, I

A ramble I have not started in long, and a ramble this will be. (Since obviously I write with a brain less than clear, and furthermore with a sense of words that is distorted, I fear.)

So be wary if this you read, since things will be confusing, and not just to me…

Today I was penning within my wall calendar, recording about this Fall; and rummaging through some long-unread emails, as they washed up the shores.

I thought I was trying to record down some memories, but it turned out to be more like me trying to reorganise my life, starting from the things that have arised.

Organising turned into reading, and reading turned into thinking.

Thinking, of how there was something niggling, in the way how to some numbers I did react.

Then I realised, that there is a special mood about certain days, that urges me to act in a certain way.

On the fifths of every month, I feel compelled to call Maya up. I call when I can then, so that I can hear her voice. To tell her my latests, to share with her my secrets, to hear her concern, to ask for some sarcasm. To give her my concern, to chatter about her job, to ask about her latest in guys, to half-jealously remind her that we’re still a couple and that I’m still her ‘wife’. To ask about the circles back home, to murmur about our next gathering for the clan, to nudge her to check the date of the day, to remind her that it is yet another anniversary going past and that she should stop worrying and just stay gay. To laugh, to smile, to cradle the phone in my hands. To wonder what it would have been like if we’d never met, or never initiated this tie which has triggered so, so much. To feel relieved, to feel secure, to know that there is still this soulmate in reserve waiting for me back home that I too hold dear.

On days when the moon is brightest and roundest, I feel disinclined to partake of meat. I think of family, of my brother, of my parents who want to dream without giving pressure. And then I think of personal responsibility and time-honoured tradition, and all the unvoiced obligations and overlapping lines and imperialistic musts and fragile hopes and unintended pressures and accumulated stress, that link me and them and family and our futures together, and demand that I take the course that has been allowed to me. And of course, I think of rebelling, of going against what has been set out for me, of forging my own path while damning the consequences, of declaring my own independence and asking for their blessings…. Only, in the end I always am forced to accept, that nothing can be done to alter that which I have promised, even if that promise was made when I was but a child who could still dream. The times of indecision and youth, the times of blithe uncaring of office politics, the times when home in the extended was still harmony and I didn’t have to query; those times are gone, way gone, gone with the treasons and rude awakenings that disrupted the balances, and now throw so much into cautious stepping and wary mistrusting, of sons and of daughters and of their reasons for coming.

And on days when it nearens the 18th, I start to think of my old RPin’ gang, of Anime High, of Recca, of Kenshin and Red and Elie and Sirius and Vinc, and Rhea and Max and Hiro, and Alexia, and ultimately of him. I think of all the relationships that I’ve ever been in, of the true reliability of anonymousity and ignorance of background in a relationship based purely on trust and judgements of character. I regret again that we couldn’t have been, that I had to query him, that I couldn’t have had more trust, in me and in him. I ask again what since then was or wasn’t on rebound; I wonder how many I’d flirted with just because they reminded me somehow of Hiro or of him. I hug my knees and curl my feet up, thinking, remembering, reliving those days when I first felt free. And then I remember that it’s all over and we’ve all parted ways, and I waver as my fingers stop short of typing their emails down on the ‘hi how are you?’ letter that I’m about to send out. Too much time has passed since last, too many people aren’t coming online or have moved on, as they eventually had to and must. I don’t send it out, and continue sitting just remembering and thinking, and just overall missing… and then I let myself forget and continue moving on, until the calender once more flips to that page, and MSN Groups sends another reminder to keep active the Groups from my old RPin’ days.

Today was a day for going through all my old emails, and looking for the Raine who used to be.

Tonight is a night for wondering, and telling stories to the Raine who is still to be.

Ramblings in general will continue, as ramblings as self-expressions must. But the first petal-ly ramblings will now here end, as all thought sections must…

-if you read through all that… I have nothing to say but that you’re going to end up with a very muddled brain-