Protected: Shhhh… Edu Stuff, II

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Quiet Musings, I

It’s sad when thinking about family stuff gets you even more depressed and even more pressurised than thinking about upcoming university homework/assignments, mid-sems/exams.

It’s even sadder when the rest of the family believe that you don’t know what they’re trying to do, or what they think you don’t know/see/feel.

I may not seem it, but I am, to a certain degree, cautious.

I know when there are rifts and I know when someone is unhappy with another. What good does knowing do, though? They can’t/won’t/rarely bring it up (family harmony ring a bell?), and constantly keeping on your toes around these things is not only tiring–it also doesn’t work.

So I do know when something’s going on, and I do know the personal attitude of some of the family towards the rest of the family; I just avoid voicing the truth out loud. After all, in my book, it’s infinitely safer to just file these informations away in mental archives where they can stay hidden so I can look blissfully ignorant, and avoid confrontations when I can.

We are an opinionated family, even though not all of us will voice our arguments. Therefore there have been/will be/are always occasions when opinions clash. And I know that the frustrations, discontents, simmering anger and growing rebellions don’t just simply go away.

They never do.

All they do is tuck themselves away in the subconscious and lie in wait, biding their time until the opportunity comes to let free their all.

I have my fair share of things in the Pandora Box that the Family subcommittee of my mental lockers maintain. Frustration at not being able to make my own decisions, irritation at others trying to run my life 24/7, guilt at going behind my parents’ back to do so many things, anxiety over what may or may not happen with everyone, etc.

I don’t pretend that I have the mental strength to keep that Box securely chained up and anchored to where it struggles, in my subconscious and my consciousness. But that means that it will escape, and that it will release bad vibes, and hence I will get depressed and stressed when I shouldn’t/don’t want to be.

Yet would I prefer that everything be kept bottled up until it all explodes? …I think not.

So let me give up the facade and open the Box, and let me get depressed, and let me get suicidal at times.

Let me do that while I still have a lot that I treasure, just like right now, because I won’t really do anything that will scar those around me, ever.

Just cool down and just let me handle my pressure in a way that I don’t mind.

Let me role-play with cities blowing up, let me massacre hundreds on the virtual world, let me watch all the gory, bloodsplattered, dark-themed anime that I want, and let me joke about death when I get high on nothing.

Let me just be, especially before I go home next.

Because, I don’t want to blow up at home; I really don’t….