MidSems and Assignments, and some other possibly relevant stuff.

Aight.

I’ve had 2 midsems and 2 assignments back so far, and I’m wavering between being relieved and being disappointed about the results.

For the midsems, both were Ds. =.=

Should I be relieved that I didn’t get Cs, or really disappointed that I didn’t get the extra few points into HDs?

For the assignments, one was a low HD (I know because I didn’t get a plus mark beside it), and one was a mid P.

Should I be relieved that I didn’t fail, or should I be disappointed that that’s what I got?

Hmm.

It’s strange. A few years back, like in Form 3 and before that, I would have been really concerned about exams, results, and excelling. I remember swotting for the PMR and JUEC like there was no tomorrow, and feeling guilty over every half-mark that I missed. Competing with the other top scorers and becoming depressed over every result that was lower than the previous term’s.

A few years later, after going through senior high school and becoming truly integrated with class spirit, somehow my priorities changed, and I found that I just don’t care that much anymore. SPM went by in a considerably better atmosphere despite its relative toughness as compared to JUEC, as did the VCEs. I remember being Agony Aunt for quite a few people while studying for the finals, and that can’t possibly be conductive to paying attention to words.

There are two ways of categorising this: One, I’ve opened my field of vision and have broken free of the mental block of ‘Azn-ness’. (Well, I still brood whenever I don’t get an A for English, but then again the language is my passion and I can be forgiven for that >.<) Two, I’ve decided to go down the delinquent walkway in an attempt to beg for more attention from my family.

Ouch. Somehow both sound really bad o.o

Was my early enthusiasm because I thought that I had a wide range of options open for me to pursue and immerse myself in? Was it because I was constantly grouped in with the academic-focused S/A-classers whose primary concerns were their GPAs? 

Did the eventual stressing-down occur because I finally got to choose some semblance of a determinant for my future? Was it because my new crowd showed me more about life and relationships than tunnel visions on the academia?

Is the current lackluster-ness because I’m no longer doing what I really want to do? Is it because my interest and my reasons for excelling are no longer existant?

I’m in Arts/Commerce because that’s what they want me to do. I’m walking on the asphalt road that they want me to, because I know what they’re worried about and realise their hopes and aspirations, and thus am obliged to do so. I’m focusing on what I can do within the restraints that they have placed about my future, and trying to ignore the fact that I originally wanted to tread on the lesser known path.

I always meant to re-evaluate my choices as soon as I could get a measure of how satisfied I could get with any one course… however that was also on the basis that I’d tried during the process of doing so to achieve what I saw to be their goal. When I look at the subject selection list still and slump down at night, I can’t help thinking though… should I just drop commerce and campaign against the elders to enter the pure Arts stream?

…..

…..

…..

Nah, just joking =.= I would never back out from this choice, false though it is. Other than the memory of my elder sis having deliberately failed her business course so that she could take Arts as she wanted to bugging me (hey I don’t want to be a copycat and hence set the example for my remaining younger sibling), I unfortunately have too much pride to tell them that I want to study Advertising and Design at this late stage =.=

Still, it’s hard to muster up determination to get good grades when your parents are telling you that they don’t care anymore what results you get >.< Whenever I think of what they said and measure it against what they used to say, mannn I just can’t help wanting to just FAIL for once and tell them, “well you said I could”.

Especially when cheche is winking at me and I can practically hear her say, “that’s what I did, Raine, and thank god I did that”.

Psssh… screw it… I need to get back to accounting tutework =P

(Random: my MSN is down again. Fark. Whaddahell’s wrong with the key ports??!)